afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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