i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
