im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You are a genius and a whore.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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