I think I won the penis lottery.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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