his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize