Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize