his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
