I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize