I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
