Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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