why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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