I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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