Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize