I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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