he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize