I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
