I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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