I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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