We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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