saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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