Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
