i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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