I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
