If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize