i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
