life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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