Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
