fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I need water and some morals
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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