Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize