How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
