As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
