I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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