Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We need to get me chipped asap
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
