I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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