I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
