Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
