please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize