Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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