If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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