it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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