new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
