i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
