his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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