I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
