so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
