Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Randomize
