You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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