no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
