i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
