So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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