Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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