perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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