So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
