I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Randomize
