Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
