Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
